I left my brain on the floor next to my panties...

I've been officially single since December... and it took a while for me to feel comfortable enough to be physically vulnerable with anybody else... I tried about a month after my break up, but I felt bad and like crying during before, during, and after because that part of me was very much still connected to my ex. Its not that the person I was with wasn't someone I wasn't familiar with, he was a part of my past, and always gracious and generous, but I just remember clenching up everything and hoping and wishing he would go home so fast...

Months later... spring has arrived, my joy is back and my body and mind belong solely to me and I'm ready to try again. For the past month or so I've been spending time with a new friend. When I first met him all I saw was the pretty chocolate eyes surrounded by thick curly eyelashes and how cute his round face was with cute dimples... and I was instantly attracted to him. I sat with him in the corner, chopping it up, and finally relinquished my number in exchange for his... and it's been physical kismet ever since.

I wasn't sure why, but a few weeks later, seeing him out I just whispered in his ear "I want to come home with you." and it was a wrap. In short... in the morning I wanted him to be my baby's mama.

I'm curious how to know how he fount out how to make me pull out my own hair? He just makes me feel like making him a sammich. (see bread, turkey, miracle whip, cheese, lettuce and some potato chips if you were confused) How did he know that I like to giggle, even during these moments with him, where he's got me caught in laughter and in bliss, and yet my brain is seeping out of my ear's at the same time. This weekend it was funny voices yelling at me, commanding me, and guiding me, as I was man handled.

Speaking of this weekend, this weekend he turned my brains into jello... I was on the floor shaking not wanting to be touched because it was too intense. My brain literally oozed out of my ears onto the floor and laid in a puddle. And in the morning... I couldn't even coerce my brains to get back into the ear they fell out of. Before the weekend was out I requested another dose, and just kept thinking I want to buy him a short set...(see Beyonce's "Suga Mama") Again, another morning where I found that my brains had not made it home with me.

It's not just the physical... it's the little buddy ship that's budding, we laugh a lot, and he lets me come up with the silliest ideas and he goes for them. We've started this dick for a day project, and basically I've created a list of things I would do if I had a dick for day, since we all know that is not possible... he will do the things on my list. Thus far my list includes; slapping a girl on the face with it, slapping it against my thighs, busting a nut in a frying pan, ringing a door bell with it, using it to locate countries on a map, and using it as a pointer in a power point presentation. And he was game for all of them.

And the really interesting part is he didn't even hesitate, and he mostly just chuckled, and co-signed... I've met my match.

Thoughts on online dating...

There is still some sort of stigma or taboo associated with online dating. Most people still think of sleazy perverts looking for sex are the only people who try to meet people online. But an emerging trend is that people are fostering and maintaining healthy relationships with people they have met online, and some of those relationships are even leading towards successful marriages. I myself have read about successful relationships online, but I don't know anyone personally who has had a relationship go from their yahoo messenger to the alter. I've met a few guys online, had drinks with a few, maybe even dinner, but I haven't found love. But I'm not closed off from it either, if I met my prince charming online... I would be okay with it. It's no different then meeting him in a bar, in a Barnes and Noble, or out in the park.
So maybe the taboo comes from how much deception a person could poor into their online persona. When you're just a person on the other side of the messenger, you can be whoever you want to be. The 40 year old balding married man, can post his picture from when he was a hot college basketball stud 20 years ago, and the recipient could be none the wiser. I've read lots of horror stories about young women being deceived into loving an individual who doesn't really even exist. That could be where the stigma comes from.
On the flip side of that coin, I figure I'm a well adjusted individual, who is somewhat attractive (feel free to correct me and tell me I'm gorgeous), smart, educated well, sweet, caring, fun, and not criminally insane, and I've pondered and lurked to see whats out there in the world of online dating, so couldn't the people I'm looking at be the same.

Penis Envy

Is it crazy for me to sometimes wish I had a penis...or to be a man for a day? Why does it feel like all men are part of some secret society and privy-ed to like a completely different set of rules? I feel like there is something I'm missing out on... I keep trying to become part of this boys club, and I need to know is it a fruitless endeavor? Is anybody ever going to give me the pass code? I've always wanted to know what its like to always get to cum? To always get to wear your aggression? And to never have anyone question your authority because you're a man?

Is just me who feels like they have special privileges, a special set of morals?

The State of My Union

Today, I plan on having a moment, a girl moment if you will. I am in love, like deeply madly in love, and I'm just prayerful that it is not ruining my life.

We've been together for three years, off and on, and its been a long, rocky, bumpy road. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't love almost every bit of it. We've lied to each other, cheated on each other, and I really just wanted to know from other people was that normal. Do epic couples like (Ruby Dee and the late Ossie Davis, Denzel and Pauletta, and Bill Camille) go through periods of "young and dumb"?

I remember reading an article once about Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis about when they attempted at having an open marriage. What they learned that it can turn out poorly for everybody involved including the people they attempted to have relationships outside of their marriage.

I made this list, the list they say make about your significant other, and our good usually out weighs the bad. I say usually because when things get down in the dumps for us, they usually get really bad.

The last major test of our relationship (see possible infidelity) I was outwardly over it within hours of everything coming to light. But inwardly I was shook, shook to the core, and yet I was still overwhelmingly in love with him even though there was the possibility of infidelity.

The thing is, I'm in love with him, and I saw my whole life with him, and even though I was shook, am I supposed to give all of it up over a possible mistake. Now granted, there was most certainly some wrong doing involved, but there was no follow through (i.e; the pass was incomplete, and not even made) but the idea is the plans should not have been made. I was hurt, stark raving mad, and ready to go for blood, but I still was and madly in love with him.

Here is this man, that cooks for me, will help me clean if ask him to, he watches my back, will buy the groceries and cook the dinner, will wash my car, fix my car, rub my back, rub my sinuses clear, and he knows how to really ring my bell. He takes care of my emotional and physical needs, and a lot of times I always feel I'm coming up short on my end of the bargain.

I love him, and I want to stay with him, regardless of the fact that I can't say whether or not he was where he said he was. All I want from him he gives me most of it... I have my 80/20 (see 80% is right, and 20% is wrong), my 20% just happens to be questionable fidelity. I just don't want to be cheated on, and I don't want to cheat.

So, since I'm at home and currently gainfully unemployed (soon to be underemployed) I get my daily dose of cheesy gossip blogs, as well as the actual news. So today I will just hit on a few of the things that I saw today that I thought were noteworthy.

First, over at gossip blog MediaTakeOut.com, they've made it head lining news that Diddy is sleeping with the mother of like four of his children, they're inferring that he's cheating on his alleged love interest Cassie... is anybody else wondering why this is such a big deal? He's had four children with this woman, and people are still surprised they're still getting it in?!! I'm not surprised, matter of fact I think its rediculous that that woman is still having kids with this man and has not received a solid commitment... Call me crazy but who just aspires to be a baby's mama? Even if the man is bringing in millions... to me that's all the more reason to go legit and make it legal...

Anywho, other things going on that have caught my attention... this President Obama vs. Fox News situation... I mean really it should be the general literate American population with any sense vs. Fox News... because how many of us take that network seriously anymore. It seems while other credible networks are busy reporting news, useful information, and subjects of human interest, Fox News is focusing in on fear mongering and propaganda. (Some blogs are even referring to them as Radio Rwanda, that reference might require you to dome research) Fox News apparently does not require they're reports to be researched or validated, and when confronted with corrections they brush them aside like yesterdays garbage and attempt to convince you of correction smorection.

For instance, Rush Limbaugh was reading from a paper that allegedly President Obama's senior thesis from Columbia on his radio show. He was reading from it, and encouraging his listeners to fear what Obama was saying as a 22 year old college student. When Limbaugh was confronted with the fact that it was a satirical piece from a satirical source, his response was "He may not have written it, but I know this is what he thinks." Is that really how the news works these days, you can say things that aren't true KNOWINGLY and just keep on going insisting that somewhere (I guess a parallel universe) this news is accurate. GTFOH with that!

Fox News proponents act as if Obama should appear on the network as opposed to just encouraging people to change their channels and not to focus on the propaganda. The POTUS does not have to time to address every lie Fox News spreads around, no one has time to address every lie Fox News spread, we'd all need to hire assistants and assistant assistants to fact find and correct Fox News... it is a network of propaganda!

In other news... Balloon boy. Anybody who knows me in real life knows that I can't stand no tom foolery... and those parents are the epitome of it. Encouraging your children to lie, to support a hoax, all so you can get your own fucking tv show. (Maybe they should try VH1, nearly every damn show on that channel is a hoax) How come cries for attention always end up costing innocent people money. The tax payers had to foot the bill for this massive search and rescue effort, all so these people could get on TV. I'm sorry, the way people have turned to trying to get famous for no reason at all as a career goal is absolutely disgusting and well really it saddens me. People who could focus their energy on something important, would rather focus on getting out of their cars showing their old raggedy pussies (see RHOA Kim Zolciak) for some damn attention. What happened to aspiring to be gainfully employed, now everybody is aspiring to just be famous for damn reason other than to be fucking famous...

A New Commitment

So... I realize that I attempted to begin this blog back in March, it's been six months since I posted some of my witty insightful musings, but because I do not have shit else to do for now, I am going to recommit myself to my writing. Since my last post, I've quit being a student... I'm finished with school for now...(I graduated with a whole lot of student loans...so please contact me about your desire to send me money now!)

I really can't wait to share my thoughts or things that have been happening over the last six months, but I don't even know where to begin... I want to talk about myself personally, my personal life, and my time spent on surfing the internet and seeing all this ridiculousness they call news.

Over the last six months my plate has been full of life, one portion of possible marriage, one portion of possible babies, one portion of actual 4 year old, and one very LARGE portion of unemployment.

I've also discovered I'm like Christopher Columbus, discovering shit that already existed like people are threatened by me because of size, color, and education. It amazes me that people are still disappointed when they meet me that I speak clear, articulate English, I'm well read, and I'm inquisitive and eager to learn. Do you know people would still prefer if I just sat down, shut up, sang and dance, and finally SHUCK and JIVE. I must admit I love a good song, and I love a good dance (who can resist the stanky leg... I know I can't) but I refuse to shuck anything, and most of all refuse to JIVE!

So people, your homework assignment for tonight is to read my blog postings... and then tell me what you would like for me to discuss... what would you like to discuss with me... I can do sex, religion, politics, pop culture...I'm ready...

You Might Be A Racist

I am a black girl, I'm 23, and I was born and raised in Kansas. I'm also college educated, but un/fortunately for me I attained all of my education at a PWI (predominately white institution), and have the lucky recipient of latent, and sometimes not so latent racism. Don't worry kids, racism is alive a well... we burried the n-word, but forgot to bury what makes it so ugly. Go figure!

Anywho... I usually experience racism from young whites, the group that most think is the least racist. I've found that really, they're just carrying the torch. I have a finance degree, and I am currently pursuing my accounting degree ( times are rough, and I was selling cable, and accountants are accounting) And I still attend a PWI and that means I'm usually the only chocolate chip in the cookie. So in all group projects, I'm always grouped up with pink toes (thats old school black vernacular for white folks) Tunrs out young pink toes in Kansas are usually painfully racist.
My favorite comment "I would've got a scholarship, but I'm white." Can someone please tell me where is the free money for being black line?!!! I been looking for that shit my whole life. But unfortunately for me I'm black, middle class, with college educated parents... Nobody is sympathetic for me, an only child with access to two incomes...

A more recent occurance, apparently foreign university students are not only less articulate, but lack understanding to handle basic tasks such as reading and writing. Or at least thats what my white group members have revealed to me in comparing our group to other groups in our class. Let's just be real Quan, Xi, and Mohammed, more likely have had more education before they even get to college than the average american who is in the process of completing their BA. We've all know which kids are kicking ass at school from kindergarden... the foreign ones.

My favorite is the shock I see on white people's faces when they find out that I'm articulate. I didn't get the memo that me being a big black girl required me to be ignorant, inarticulate, loud, neck rolling, and finger wagging. Oh... I also didn't get the memo that I should have two or three babies daddy's right now instead of two degrees. (okay... well maybe I'm working on number 2) But you get the point.